I Liked Your Profile

The Brainstormer

2007-10-11T17:13:00.000-07:00

An email I recently received:

"Subject: just kiss me and get it over with!
Message: Hey

Just finished reading your new bio and noticed that you look like an interesting pain in the butt. :)Gotta love a girl who knows NPR, can share an espresso and have an edge at the same time (That’s as long as you are that cute woman from the photo, and not some 900 pound woman who stole her cute friend photo to attract a gorgeous “boy” just like me) :)anywayssss, I’m sure that there’s a lot more to you than what you put in your profile, and definitely it would be interesting to discover the rest and also to see how you behave in public and if you can be nice to the stuff (waiter/waitresses) if we ever to meet. Hopefully you are not a typical New Yorker which will be very refreshing on Jdate (and I’m sure you know what I am talking about with all those corny Emails and generic personalities) so if you are emotionally available and you are NOT taking any prescription drugs these days, and you ready to stop browsing and start spending time with someone real write back and say hi (But please do not use hi, as you can see it’s already taken) Looking forward to do some brainstorming.

Don’t be shy
Sal"

Out-of-Towner Bootie Call

2007-08-16T07:09:00.000-07:00

An obvious template email I recently received from an out-of-towner:

"Subject: This weekend

Hi there in NYC,

Greetings from Chicago. No, I’m not obsessing from a distance or looking forward to a big move to your fair city.

I am, however, visiting NY on business this weekend. Which will keep me busy for the vast majority of my time, but I do not have anything planned from Sunday night until my Monday night flight back to the safe confines of the Midwest.

And yes, dear reader, that is where you become part of my not so nefarious plans. I know next to nobody in the city, and the city herself and I have only had the most fleeting of engagements. So, I thought, were you not busy and were you so inclined, that we could hang out, doing something fun, have a memorable discussion, eat a wonderful meal and so on and so forth. No, as attractive as you are, I am not setting a crash course to get into your pants. Although I am never opposed to making out, should the mood strike. But that, at least on paper, is as dangerous as I get.

So, yeah, it is a bit of a crazy proposition. But I am really interesting, I promise. And nice, and funny, and laidback. You just might like me.

And there is nothing wrong with that.

Best,
Blair"

London Just Around the Corner

2007-07-23T13:21:00.000-07:00

A recent email I received from a strange man in London, with whom I had never before exchanged emails.

Date: 07/01/2007 04:22 PM
Subject: Next time you're in London
Message: Please join me for rollerblading and sushi. You know it makes sense.

Tommy X

I have never been to London.

The Wacko Photo

2007-07-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an I Liked Your Profile reader, who claims the picture was a normal photograph:

Subject: IM Messages You Missed!
Message: hey, I love the wacko picture. you were drunk in that one right?. hello?

Cat Man

2007-07-03T15:54:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an I Liked Your Profile reader, claiming that Elliot wrote to her "twice, in one day", anxiously awaiting a response:

Email #1:

"Subject: Hi
Message: I have lots of quirks and a few cats

Care to talk? chat? argue?

:)
Elliot"

Email #2, 1 hour later:

"Subject: well
Message: I tried...

Now I will go eat a whole pie"

The Marathon Man

2007-06-27T11:39:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an I Liked Your Profile reader:

Subject: Email
Message: From Ben New
You are pretty and sexy. I am big on tongue kissing. I am great in bed. I have a lot of endurance. I can make love 3/4 of night. I need some fun in my life for a change. If you wish to answer this that is fine, if you want to send me your phone number I will call you. I am off today and tomorrow and have an empty schedule, so if you would like to meet me in person, that would be fun! I want to go get breakfast at noon now.

Ben
phones # is xxx-xxx-xxxx

Quirky or Not?

2007-06-18T10:51:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an ILYP reader:

"Subject: Quirks
Message: Would you consider taking toothpicks with me to the movies because I love popcorn but I hate it in my teeth a quirk or just plain dorky?

Chad"

While we're on the topic of popcorn and teeth, I have question for ILYP readers: You're on a first date, and much to your embarassment, your date smiles during the meal and reveals a big, dark piece of food stuck in between his/her front teeth. Do you tell the date, or just remain silent to avoid the awkwardness? And, how do you tell them? With a signal, a verbal cue, do you lick your own teeth to gesture that they do the same?

Weight a Minute

2007-06-11T14:04:00.000-07:00

Submitted by Sexagenarian and the City, who wrote the following:

Background: the 'weight' category in my profile info accidentally got shifted from 116 to 152. It was worth the error to get this wonderful message from a man (age 66) with whom I was corresponding:

"Uncomfortable going there, but wonder if there was a missprint in the defining of your physical makeup and likes. While I consider 5'3 petite in height, the weight of 152 does not seem to be consistent with petite. As you also can see, I run and work out EVERY day, and shape is most important to me. Yet I appreciate your candor, and do not feel I am shortsighted in stating the importance of physical activity in my life. Yet I love a great meal as does the next, and in fact must admit I work out so much so I can eat what I want without putting on a pound or two. If you arestill not uncomfortable with these caveats, then you still sound like a lovely person. I just do not want to be accused of being narrow in my preferences."

visit Sexagenarian and the City to see how this 'relationship'played out...not happily! but amusingly.

Long Distance Soulmate

2007-06-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

A recent dating email I received from an overly enthusiastic emailer, who lives 1300 miles away from New York City.

"Subject: INTERESTED IN A LADY LIKE YOU, ARE YOU MY SOULMATE

Message: Hello: I hope you have an interesting , exciting, explosive day today.

BY THE WAY, my name is : WILLIS.

I would like to meet someone: friendly, sincere, outgoing, fun, family-oriented.

I am interested in starting a new acquaintance, and dialogue with you.

I look forward in hearing from you.

HAVE A GOOD ONE"

Submit your quirky, funny dating emails today for posting on I Liked Your Profile.

The Banker

2007-06-06T20:37:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an ILYP reader, who wrote that the following email came from "an aged Marlon Brando look-alike"

"I have my butterfly net in hand. You seem like a sweet down to earth woman. I am a powerful man in the banking industry and am lloking for a fiend to share with, to hold hands and tlak about our fynnt family stories and my life of adventure. I am a man of waelthand taste but usually don't tell anyone. It kind of spoils things sometimes. I am confident, not coky nor pretentious, usually get what I want. So are you coming voluntarily or do I need to sweep you off your feet. I'd rather save the charm for latter on. I am a weekend rider, weekday suit and time man in the banking industry.
and definitely not the biker type. I just like to ride. No tatoos or
piercings, suit and tie professsional, well educated, sincere and
low key, yet bold and assertive at the same time. Share your better qualities with me. I can change your like forever if the sparks fly."

then later that day, from the same guy...

Subject: can we talk?
"I'm a talker, not a chatter. I like to hear an intriguing womens voice.
Can you please call me tonight? I'm up until 12:00.

516-xxx-xxxx""

Night Owl

2007-04-14T08:01:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been out of the blogosphere so long, but here's a recent email I received in my dating inbox that I found a tad humorous.

"..definitely fearless..and sexy - but I must admit, I have been known to a few stupid things in my lifetime - but non of which has landed me in jail, hurt anyone or caused any permanent damage...Michael PS - know why I am writing you...because you said that you got out of bed at 10 am and I love to sleep late - to about 10 as well...could never be with anyone who got up at 6 am...I also happen to be a night person - as I imagine you are as well...- Max"

Please feel free to submit any emails for posting, as I think I can manage to recover my zeal for blogging again!

Jessica the Spammer

2007-02-10T12:43:00.000-08:00

I recently opened the following spam comment to one of my postings, which I found a tad annoying, but perfectly appropriate for the content on this blog.

"Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Counting the Days":

Hi! I like your story. But you'd better take a look here to find a really DIFFERENT dating site.Looks amazing, agree? :-)You can also find my pics and more about me on my page www.xxx.com/jessica. Read more about me or drop me a message from there.

Chao!
Jessica"

Needless to say, I didn't contact Jessica.

Anonymous, The Rappers, and The Drug Guy

2006-12-09T19:19:00.000-08:00

A lengthy contribution from an "I Liked Your Profile" regular submitter, who wrote:

Do I just attract freaky girls. I submit this contribution for your reading pleasure.

Here is the preface for this one. One brief and mildly amusing Jdate IM conversation where I gave her my e-mail.

I got this e-mail the following day. First one is not so bad...but keep reading. Anything italicized is my commentary. Remember: There were no phone calls, no dates, no contact save for a brief IM conversation and the following e-mails.
-------------

From Anonymous Girl:

"Steve(If that is your name),(It is my real name).

I know you are opening mail only because you are thinking of writing. After all i am one of the few fun quirky people on the Internet. Ok, i just watched Mary Tyler Moore and an Gap commercial featuring the machine.ghost of Audrey Hepburn and i am slightly too perky and irascible. I had fun chatting with you and just noticed your pic on my wall of creepy guys who don't bother to read my profile. A fact which shouldn't matter given that it is art and (imo) art is the big lie/ Ok, your ball.

~me

I replied with this. While it was an odd e-mail, I am not exactly cookie cutter. Interesting quirky people are just fine with me. So I wrote back. My response.

"My ball? Mary Tyler Moore? I am on overload. And I am on the wall of creepy guys?! That is no good. Put my own my own wall, please. As for me and my wall, I just bought a painting from a friend. I have it hanging there. Very cool. As for ghost.machine of Audrey.Hepburn, she actually played a ghost, or angel, or whatever, in Always. So maybe its a natural career choice. Your ball, I guess."

Steve

She seemed a little screwy, but that can be fun and is not always bad. But this next e-mail she sent was a humdingeroo. Never saw it coming.

I always wondered what kind of person voted for Nader in 2004(Not 2000, but 2004). I guess now I know.

Yes, she did bring up Auschwitz and sexual assualt. So for all you ladies out there who think there are only weird men online, please think of this e-mail and know that this is simply not the case.

From Anonymous Girl:

"hiya Steve (If that is your name), (Dammit, it is my real name. Why would I lie about my first name? Am I worried she is going to track me down, or that I am a CIA agent? So surreal!)you should have sent a pic of the new painting. or is that too weird? (since I don't know what you at all or what you look like. A little.) its sort of weird to correspond with someone i don't know. well, that's not quite so, i know you are quick-witted and funny in that sort of "out there" way. are you a comedy club person, btw?(Does she mean I like to go to Comedy Clubs? Or perform? Is it a support group? But she is just warming up. Hold on. And while it may be weird, this is internet dating. What did you expect, writing to your friends?) of course, you doubtless feel similarly. (about comedy clubs, about corresponding with someone I don't know, about being quick witted? I don't know) Who am i? Interesting question, however, one asked before and by better minds than mine.(CLEARLY!) primo levi wrote [paraphrase]: auschwitz made good people better and bad people worse. more and more i find that my self-definition largely arises from my level of ridership/participation in T-users' groups.(Did she just compare riding the T to the holocaust. She didn't. She couldn't. Could she. My god, Yes, she did.) to the end of illustrating this point (and this is only one of MILLIONS) of t-riding episodes: (I have rode the T thousands of times, I don't have any stories like this one.)i was coming back to the jewish area of boston from dudly x'g on the 66 bus, somewhere around roxbury community college(aFYI n African American neighborhood) (and the mosque in progress --how do you feel about that)(I am fine with the building of a mosque. Does she have a problem with it? Is that some veiled anti muslim, post 9-11 paranoia comment? Who knows!) some kids got on. i was sodokuing and didn't notice them nor their interaction with the drugging (drugging?) serenading me from the other side of the front seating area (like all jews, i am certain that sitting near the front of the bus and driver will protect me as the driver is an 'american' and wears a uniform and therefore subscribes to the 'american' (silly word) policy of protecting the innocent, acting out justice, and helping the elderly cross on green --wether they want to or not. (I am jewish, and I have always believed that bus drivers primarly drive the bus, so for the gentiles out there, she ain't speaking for all of us. And if she was not paying attention, how did she know they were serenading her?). the kids and the drug guy were doing a sort of 'rapping the dozens' in which they were calling up old rhymes and comparing them to newer stuff ("ain't nothin' new..."). it was too loud and a bit racist/genderist, but somehow the druggy held it together, which points out the derth of male role-models for these kids. i mean they were on best behaviour to impress him. (allow me to officially "tsk here, "TSK").(Well, sure, lets extrapolate and diagnose the problems of an entire race of people from one situation on one bus. And lets talk about it with someone I hardly know. Sure, great idea. Racism disguised as tolerance. Druggie? Who can hold together rhymes while on any serious contraband narcotic, anyway. Makes no sense. Who is this person writing to me) it gets pretty predictable from here. bus stops, druggy leaves off in Mission Hill (ever been to Flan's?)(no, but nice restaurant restaurant reference. total appropriate placement), the driver stopped for a long light hears the rap and stands up telling the kids to shut up or get out. nice. they turn the decibel level down, but don't stop and soon are back at it only louder and ruder. by this time there are two little girls on the bus, around 2 and 3 years. i don't know how many women, but mostly male passengers. however, NOT ONE suggested to these kids that they shut up.(Well,horrors.) a woman got on somewhere in advance of brookline village and was dyspeptic (someone studied for their Verbal SAT's a little too hard), finally exiting at trader joe's. i know this because the first little girl who was sitting near me left off then and i decided that i could engage the driver without further traumatizing her. it should be noted that by this time there were some graphic rape scenes being described. (Thanks for enriching my day. All the dating etiquette books tell you to discuss youths rapping about rape as soon as possible, say before you even give out your real name. Admittedly, this sounds like a bad situation, but share it with me. Why? Why?) the woman left assaulting the driver with a laundry list of dissatisfaction over the situation on his bus. she didn't stay for his reply nor to take his operator number and do a follow-up call to the MBTA. then it was i.(Poor bus driver has to hear it TWICE) i asked him what the hell he was thinking leaving his bus so out of control. he told me he had no idea what i was talkin about. i asked him how he would feel if i rapped for the last 30 minutes about terrifying and harming men? (that would have been worth seeing, actually) or brown-haired, brown-eyed, brown-skinned men? and here i was a bit over-come and switched to spanish, how would he like me to launch a rhyming profanities diatribe against bus drivers? he assured me he had no idea what was going on. i assured him that no only ever passenger had been subjected to this for the entire trip, but there were two little girls on the bus and this was not only inappropriate adjectives but the verbs were entirely over the top for the audience. (Wow, she stands for tolerance now. Show the bus drive who makes ten dollars an hour who is boss now that the kids are gone and nothing can be done. Ruin his day, too. By the way, the bus driver drives the bus. Ever have a parent turn around and yell at you when you were in the back seat. Scary, cause they should be focusing on the road. This is why they have bus police. Oy, poor bus driver. All he needed was to be told politely. Once he was, he took care of it.) to the guys credit he kicked them off. (Cause you told him. He has to drive the bus, remember?) the first three went shirking into the dark. (oh, disturbing ovettones, eh?) the fourth yelled some insult form the back door and then came to the front (do you think he opened both doors before he went back there because of some mechanical rules of hydraulics or because he was leaving egress for passengers in case they started shooting?)(SO RACIST, just because you use egress does not mean you are not a bigot), stopped, and prepared (read this word with emphasis) to give me a piece of his mind he just couldn't spare (well if he had spared it he would not have said it). i myself was entirely enraged in a way i don't know how to describe (you seem to be doing a pretty thorough job, actually), on the outside i was just this sort of impassioned speaker, but inside i was so shaking with a sense of powerlessness and abuse. and in the end, i was just like those kids, because rather than hear one more disgusting word from this brats foul mouth i spat. not on him, but at him. it was uncontrollable, if i had been thinking about it, i would have still done it, but i wasn't thinking about my actions. because, you know, its in us all. (Well, maybe, but for some reason it takes a little more for me to lose my cool. I would NEVER spit on someone with mailce aforethought. No class. No class.) the thing which makes that kid rap about raping women on a bus with not only his "sisters" on board, but his communitys' children, made me spit at him. (And the world, will be a better place, and yes the world will be a better place for you, for you, and meeeeeeeee. Quickly, everyone go to a depressed part of town and spit at people. Watch the situation get better. Why haven't the policy wonks thought of this before?) the driver was either socratic in wisdom or just smart enough to take the opportunity to go at me (Socratic? Now, if you know anything about Socrates or the socratic method, you know she has no idea what she is talking about. She just wants to sound smart. If the bus driver were using the socratic method, he would have pointed to a random person on the bus and said, "You, in the sweater, why are these lyrics inappropriate? and followed up with more questions.) however, the guy with the gang tats next to me said "brava" and the driver said, "Now you're wrong. Two wrongs don't make a right." but he also shut the door in the face of the still shocked kid and drove away. (Good for the bus driver!. This girl is c-r-a-z-y) it wasn't really possible to explain to him that i had no sense of shame over what i had done. (Spitting, and no shame! If I lost my cool like this, my cheeks would burn with shame) when people behave so badly, they shouldn't expect limits in retaliation. clearly i would like my limits to constantly evolve outward and become more and more peripheral and maneuverable and accommodating. (Don't bite off more than you can chew. Start with the little things, like "Not spitting at people.") i would like to be strong enough in spirit to withstand any social or physical indignity. like joan of arc or anne frank. (put in your own sarcastic and incredulous comment here) oops, both bad examples. (It is called the delete key. See, if you delete it, you don't have to explain it) still i don't feel like i have abandoned an essential personal philosophy or my portion of any social contract. (You did. You spit on a public bus.That is the definition of breaking the social contract.) i know that (i am really, really white, at least in boston's sun) those kids will retell that story in some sort of derivative, reductive racist paradigm,(not like you did. Oh no! Wait, you did! and with a stranger, no less.) yet it was they who acted out all the things that white terror represent: threats and intimidation for an arbitrary reason against an arbitrary group. (Well, they were offensive, but they yelled at you cause you got them kicked off the bus. Not that arbitrary, actually.) anyway, the gang dude greeted me on parting, apparently because even though he is a criminal and a social terrorist,he has a mother, a sister, a wife, lover, daughter, someone he loves as a woman and embraces the femininity. i told the driver that i hope he has an easy night as i left, and he told me to have a good night. a small, unseemly moment of sanity that prolly spoiled the ride for everyone. afterall, don't people prefer ophra to motzart? (Is that a choice people make? Last I checked, they are not mutually exclusive, and usually not ranked together, even when spelled correctly. And if you know anything about Mozart, you know he would have totally dug Oprah. Is someone out there going, should I watch Oprah or listen to Mozart? Hmmm, I will go with Oprah? And Oprah is actually a pretty impressive woman with a powerful intellect so this makes no sense at all. I mean, she made "Night" an Oprah book of the Month. Why am I even bothering at this point.) so now you know who i am more than any picture of alicia silverstone (actually a better story than the one i just typed, but now i am too tired to re-compose this) would ever reveal. (Yes, apparently she had previously posted a picture of Alicia Silverstone on her profile. Don't ask. I am not. At this point, I just want to cry. So, long story short, I don't think I will write her back.)

~anonymous

Steve:

"Hi (anonymous),

While it seems like you live a very interesting life, I don't think we would be a good fit. Best of luck with the dating thing.

Steve(my real name)"

Too Much Man

2006-10-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader, who shared the following ambitious email sent to her friend:

"You can expect that if I select you to be with that you will be with an adventurous, spontaneous guy with a lot of energy. You can expect to be invited to travel with me to Vegas and Hawaii but not Brazil, I go there alone. Up until now you have probably been with guys that act like little boys at best. Well I am a man, and proud of it! If you want a man who is in charge of his and life and reaches his goals I am worth the time to get to know. If you make the grade then you will get past the friendship stage, if not, I have many women who are friends and am happy with having more. I date about 2-4 times a week, when my schedule permits, and am very particular. I am the way that I am because I know what a rare find that I am. Guys like me are few and far between. Chances are I am way more man than you can handle!"

Gender Bender

2006-09-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader, who claims the emailer listed himself as a "she" and posted a photo of a woman in his profile. This email smells of conspiracy; the same type I wrote about in Ishmael: My Very Own African Mail-Order Groom.

"Hello How are you doing today and how is everything? Am Andrew and l come across your profile and l really like it. Wht is you name and wht are you looking for? Are you still single and looking? lf yes then i wondey why becoz you really lookvery great and beautiful in your pic. l guess by now guy will chancing you by now right? LOL......... Well l will like to know more about you if you doing mind. Sorry i havent post my pic there. Am still single and looking for my soul mat who i can start my life with. Who i can trust and believe. Am honest caring loving and understanding and am looking for the samething in the right person. Tell me wht do you seek in the right person that you are looking for? Do you mind about age and are you a racist? Am new in this dating. hopeto hear from you . Best of luck and kisses fromme to you."

Andrew.

Strike Three!

2006-08-20T17:32:00.000-07:00

Submitted to "I Liked Your Profile" by Constant Dater, who wrote:

"I received the following e-mail only a day or so (!) after not responding to his initial message. I don't get why guys can't take the non-response hint--I know I'd rather that than be told straight up my looks aren't up to par or that I'm so not someone's type. If you send a message and get no response, the other person isn't feeling you--no biggie, move on. Don't be whiny, or stalkerish, or whatever. Lameness like this is one of many reasons I'm leaving online dating behind and taking my chances in the big bad world."

"From: [redacted]
To:[Constant Dater's Nerve.com profile]
Subject:Not So Much?

Hi,

I've never sent a follow-up email to a non-responding person on nerve before, so I don't know if this is commonly done.

Your profile makes me think you might be willing to spend one minute helping out an online dating newbie. I've listed a palette of possible responses as multiple choice items below. If you feel like elaborating, even better... but even if you just send a reply with just a number, it might help me out.

Here are some choices for you:

1. Leave me alone, weirdo!!

2. If you had that thing where I could send you emails for free, I'd send you a note.

3. There wasn't anything in particular *wrong* with either your profile or pics, but they didn't grab me as something I'd be interested in seeing more of.

4. The introductory email you sent me was lame.

5. There's one specific thing that was a dealbreaker: It was ----- (fill in the blank).

6. Your profile is OK but I'm not a fan of your pictures.

7. Your pictures are OK but your profile doesn't match what I'm looking for.

8. I think you're ugly *and* your profile sucks.

9. You don't live in a cool borough like Brooklyn [his profile stated he lives in Manhattan, I think], and I'm not a fan of long-distance relationships.

10. Other"

Swingers Meat

2006-08-09T18:54:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an I Liked Your Profile reader, who wrote "Adult Friend Finder doesn't really count as a "dating" site, but this was our first email after setting up our profile. Needless to say, it was a bit traumatizing for us timid little newbie swingers":

""Hi. Want to meat for some hot fun?""

As if the site doesn't explicitly advertise sex and hot fun.

A Yankee Doodle

2006-07-26T17:44:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader, who wrote: "I received this one. I have to admit that it's somewhat sweet, but I have a sneaking suspicion that we may have had some communication issues if I had actually gone to the game with him."

"Hi. I'm Hiroshi. Do you want to go Yankee game? I'm looking for someone, but I cannot find. Tomorrow, I will go with my boss. (T T) But next time, May, I want to go with you. Shall we meet somewhere?"

The Polite Factor

2006-07-10T07:11:00.000-07:00

Finally! A great submission from a male "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

Dear I Liked Your Profile:

You asked for a submission from a guy, here it is.

The following is an e-mail I received from "Sandra." Sandra had Instant Messaged me several times. While I was not interested, I would say hi, and have a superficial conversation. This happened maybe on three occasions. Very very superficial.

I received this e-mail from her a few days ago. She sent it at 3:00 AM on a Saturday:

"lol my poor friend is hooking up with this guy...she tells me he told her the condom didn't really fit...oy.

I find thse kids mildly amusing but they are so pushy....when are you free? you get back monday? what time? why don't you want to go out monday, just because you have to be at the airport at 4 is no reason?

mmmmm right.

so are you just weird or were you giving me the brush off??? i bought way too much stuff...my mother disapproves of my new bathing suit choice...oy vey!- Sandra"

I was not away, I was not going to the airport, I have no idea what she was talking about....The Moral: Don't be nice to be nice on the internet. If not interested, I don't respond at all. Also, ladies...don't write e-mails drunk.

47 Going on 21

2006-07-06T21:22:00.000-07:00

Submitted by Sandra Dee, who had the following to say:

Bob's profile says he is 47, which is gross enough in itself since I'm 23, but his gross factor skyrocketed after I read his e-mail:

"You are sexy as hell. Would you be interested in a discreet hookup? I'm serious."

Ew.

The Flip-Flop Cheese Master

2006-06-29T23:40:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader. The reader claims that Jason sent her a thread of emails a year ago, before arranging a date with her. This is the first email he sent:

"Do you believe that we have twins?

Without knowing you, but just looking at your photos and how you write about yourself, I can say with some sort of sureness that you are exactly like my friend Margot. This is a high compliment, as Margot is one of the best people I know.

When we last met we drank Champagne and ended up taking our glasses out for a walk down 15th St.

But... I know you're not Margot. Maybe I will get the chance to know you as well?

Warmly,

Jason"

They arranged a date, but he canceled the night of the date, claiming he preferred to meet with a different girl he met online, for whom he had a "better feeling".
The following is his email one year later,apparently after that "better feeling" relationship flopped:

"How’s Park Slope?

I’m not sure if you remember me or not, but we were chatting for a short while last fall. I had actually canceled on meeting you to meet someone else. Well let that be a powerful lesson to me about how much online dating sucks. Since then I’ve come to the conclusion that most of the people on this site aren’t for me. I guess it pays to be a picky shopper after all.

Point of email… if you don’t think I’m a big moron (which I would accept) maybe you’d like to pick up the thread.

If nothing else. please buy some cheese. This is a project I’ve been working on non-stop since January, and loving it.

www.xxxcheese.com

Hmmm. Anything else. I bought a farm table, but have no chairs.

Warmly,

Jason"

Her response:

"you've got to be joking. buy some cheese? what is this, spam????"

Jason's reply:

" Everything is spam. It's not often you can say you're in advertising and selling something that actually makes the world a better place. It's better than hocking another server or soda drink. However, yes, an odd thing to mention in an email. But for every silly hunk of cheese that goes out the door, that's money in the bank account of some family farm.

Jason"

Jaded Jdater

2006-06-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

"I can say most woman on this thing are b*****s. As far as the men, I really don't know. All I've heard from people on this site is that all there looking for is sex."

Beer Me A Child

2006-06-16T21:02:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader. I liked this one a lot! Ridiculously funny.

From: romeo
To [---]
Date 22 minutes ago
Subject hi

"i am looking for a female that has god feeling,and that will be a fature wife for me and beer me a child pls try to send me a massege as soon you see this thank you"

Let's Be Jewish Friends. Not.

2006-06-12T20:43:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" Jdater:

Subject: Hate Jdate

"I'm really just looking for more friends. I'm jewish, but as a jew always felt like an outsider around other jews. Kind of like I'm cursed to have all these jewish traits, yet not comfortable enough around other jews to commiserate.

if you're not averse to just hanging out with a guy who's looking for friends please email me at xxx@aol.com

best,
Daniel"

A Sincere Offering

2006-06-07T18:57:00.000-07:00

Submitted by a fellow blogger, who said that she received this email sent to her Nerve profile last December during the NYC transit strike:

Sender: [redacted]
To: [Constant Dater's profile]

"ok, so i leave for costa rica early tomorrow morning but i've never learned how to pack properly. i know this might sound insane but how would you like to come over to my loft and help me pack while i'll cook an amazing dinner, share a great bottle of wine and you can make fun of my terrible haircut all you want. i totally realize how unreasonable and forward this offer is, specially given the strike, but on the other hand it's sincere and has all the makings of a unexpectedly great thursday night."

Sender: [Constant Dater's profile]
To: [redacted]

"What a bizarre come-on. Requests like yours are what Craigslist Casual Encounters is for. All the same, good luck with your quest for fast-packing pussy."

Sender: [redacted]
To: [Constant Dater's profile]

"may i suggest you try on different lenses, the ones you've got on now seem awfully jaded.

no need to reply."

Staying Abreast of Dating Etiquette

2006-06-01T15:17:00.000-07:00

This is my favorite submission yet!!! Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader, who said that she "had only exchanged one other email with this guy before he dropped this one on" her:

"so do u mind dating a guy that is 6'4? lol...since u are 5'3...you look like u work out alot, thats' awesome, i played sports in college so i like to stay fit....ok, the guy in me now is coming out, i have to ask for such a small girl, are they real? lol....they can't be...what size are u, if u wana share? i didn't know it was supposed to snow today, it's crazy outside, well if i didnd't offend, which i didn'dt mean to do, i hope to hear from you again!"

I responded with this:

"No, I'm not offended by your question. In fact, you're probably just saying what a lot of other guys are thinking when they see my picture. What can I say...I am genetically blessed, in more ways than one. Believe it or not I'm actually smart and have a great personality too. A little dating advice for you in the future...you might want to stick with "I like your smile" and save the bra size questions for when you've at least met the person. Oh, and by the way, they're not only real, but they look even better in person...too bad you couldn't be respectful enough to wait and find out for yourself.

Believe it or not he wouldn't give up:

"It wasnt' a matter of being respectful, because i was respectful about it....one thing about me, i'm a very honest, sometimes too honest person about things....if i like things, i ask about them...not saying i only wanna talk to you about your boobs, lol...you have a great smile and it is the first thing i noticed abou tyou and that you sem to be very down to earth, career oriented, but still value your time with friends and family....so actually the "boobs" is the last thing i noticed and on such a beautiful, fit girl, they are big and i had to ask....didn't know if i should thank ur genes or a plastic surgeon..lol...but they are beautiful as u are....so since you probably don't wanan talk to me anymore, can i at least ask how big you are? i would guessa full C cup..am i right?"

Jailbird Love

2006-05-30T13:31:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader, who received this message on Friendster:

Subject: Looking for pen pals
Message: "Hi, I'm doing this for my friend Greg and will have a picture up soon. He's in prison and looking for a few pen pals to write to until he gets out. If you're interested I can give you his address, or if you want to talk first, give me your phone number and he can call you. I know you're thinking it, so I'll just tell you. He's in there because he slept with a girl before really getting to know her and she accused him of rape. He's so innocent though, and I think you'll really like him if you give him a chance. So think about it, and listen to your heart - Can you be a friend to someone who really needs one now more than ever? I hope you can. I'm looking forward to hearing back from you real soon. If not, have a great day anyway."

We're All Just a Bunch of Monkeys

2006-05-25T06:53:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

"Subject: people and snarkyness

You are potential.

Someone with ideals, intellect, and something to say
showed up on this thing.

An individual to be loud with, argue, fight, and then
laugh about the whole damn fuckup that is this world.

This world is stuffed with dumb shit bubble people who
dont realise that were all a bunch of monkeys, and it
doesnt matter what the other monkeys think. We give
monkey awards to other monkeys that are popular with
monkeys.

ook ook.

So from one monkey to another. Tell me youve got
something, anything, interesting to say. This wave of
dumbasses needs to come to an end. Someone with
concepts and ideals who is curious about their world
beyond the fucking television is such a FUCKING
WONDERFUL concept.

Oh. Also, you might as well have written my bio..

Smart, with the ego. Snarky as fuck, and so honest Ive
been nearly fired for my "lip." Oh wait, that means im
tactless. Yeah, that too. I consider myself a
neo-hippie. Hippie ideals and practices, but with a
diversified financial portfolio. Love my cat, and yes,
Im jewish.

Ive been looking for a quality excuse to get back to
philly, and you at minimum qualify for this diversion.

Get back to me."

Lucky Duck. Not.

2006-05-22T21:16:00.000-07:00

One of my very own:

Message #1:

"Any luck on here yet?" :) Jessy

Reply:

"this is rather funny, since I think i've received this same message from you 15 times in a few months. i really don't know how to answer your question, since I'm still on here.- EMS"

Message #2

"Maybe we could talk on the phone sometime?- Jessy"

Apparently, he didn't get the sarcasm, and went straight for the kill.

On a different note, I Liked Your Profile will only go so far as the amount of email submissions from its readers. If you have any funny dating emails (and if you're a man who received something funny from a woman, ILYP could really use a change of pace), please dig 'em up and fork 'em over. You know who you are. Otherwise, this blog will cease to exist soon. Onward and upward, daters.

Swingers Included

2006-05-18T05:37:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader, who posted an ad in a Singles section, and received a response from Swingers:

"Hello- The weather is slowly changing and Fall is my favorite time of year. I'm seriously hoping to find something special this Fall and wanted to see if you're game. I'm not sure if we'd be something you'd consider pursuing but we found your add attractive and thought we'd take a chance. Maybe you'd take a chance too? If you're interested we'd love to go out some night and see if there's a chemistry to mesh. We have both AIM and Yahoo IM if you want to arrange a time to chat and I'm more than happy to discuss things over the phone whenever you're available.
We're a NYC based married couple looking for something incredibly compelling and fantastic. I've attached a few pix below and I have plenty more but briefly I'm 27 bi 5'6" 125lbs 36b blonde hair green eyes and shaved below while he's 35 str8 6'4" 225lbs dark hair eyes and considered sexy. We've played as a couple for the past 4 years and have had a variety of adventures which we can discuss further if you're intrigued. I'll follow up with more about me/us if I hear back from you. Not sure how innocent our fun would be but I'm open to any and all recommendations ;)!
Hope this finds you well."

George Clooney-ish

2006-05-11T22:49:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

"Very goodlooking guy, George Clooney-ish I'm told.
Wildly into anal beads. Interested? Meet for coffee,
lunch, drinks."

The Sleezy Skier

2006-05-03T17:22:00.000-07:00

The following is an instant message transcript, submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

makemyday: hi
makemyday: do oyu ski
ILYP Reader: yes
makemyday: indoors
ILYP Reader: only
makemyday: would oyu like to
ILYP Reader: why do you keep spelling "you" as
"oyu"?
makemyday: bad typist
ILYP Reader: i guess i would like to. why? are we
going to Japan to ski indoors?
makemyday: i meant the party type
makemyday: here
ILYP Reader: um, sorry, but now i have no idea
what you're talking about.
ILYP Reader: drugs?
makemyday: y
ILYP Reader: ah. hey, i'm not that type of girl
ILYP Reader: good luck

Breaking Up After Seven Emails

2006-05-03T15:32:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

His e-mail to me:

"I understand if you don't like me. That I can deal with. What I don't really like is being bullshitted. You read it right: bullshitted. If writing a few letters to you and expressing the fact that I happen to like you a lot and that you're a beautiful girl is "coming on too strongly," then either the world has changed a great deal since I learned the ways of dating, or you're bullshitting me. Please spare me the "business-like" dismissal and the contrived reasons for rejecting me. Just spare me, and tell the truth. Put yourself in my shoes. If you really liked someone, what would you have done? Acted like you DIDN'T like them? If that's your philosophy, prepare to live a very lonely existence. Maybe I'm just a little too damn honest for today's "dating games." I just wish you'd have met me in person because you'd have seen what an impressive person you're leaving behind. That's not arrogance, it's true. It's your loss, dear."

My e-mail to him, after he sends me SEVEN e-mails, which I did not reply to:

"Thanks for your replies. Unfortunately, I just don't think this will be a match. I'm so sorry. While all of the attention was very flattering, I'm afraid you just came on a bit too strong for me. Best of luck in your search!'

Counting the Days

2006-05-01T08:49:00.000-07:00

Submitted by a new "I Liked Your Profile" reader, who wrote:
"So, this guy and i went to lunch after exchanging THREE emails. i think he thought that meant we were super close. this is the email i got from him a few days (three) after we met for lunch. awesome. the icing on the cake was that i had been called out of town to take care of my grandmother who had just had a nasty fall. i considered emailing him back letting him know why i hadn't emailed, but sort of decided i don't really like talking to crazys. "

His email:

"For whatever it's worth, it's pretty pathetic to write the amount of emails we wrote, ask them all types of questions, and then to never talk to someone again after you have one lunch together. I don't know if you are busy, just don't care, or whatever it is. You can't treat people like that. I don't care if you did meet them on the internet. I didn't even find you attractive, but I would have at least been your friend. Now, I don't even want to be that.

Peace!"

In the News

2006-04-27T05:18:00.002-07:00

I Liked Your Profile is the subject today of Matthew Katz's dating column. Check it out.

Just as a short editorial: I do hope that all readers approach this blog with a good sense of humor. Maybe you'll smile, or even laugh. If that happens, then I've succeeded. It was, and continues to be the only intention of this blog.

Show Me The Ropes

2006-04-17T12:25:00.000-07:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile Reader", who received a string of consecutive emails from Bill, in a period of 2 days:

day 1
love the photo -and i bet your hotter in person -i know i am . lets talk -have a drink -i'll show u the nyc ropes, first class.
bill

day 2
u like music?
bill

day 3
You're burning up my monitor - are you always this hot?
-bill

day 4
new to the city?
wanna chat-i've lived here all my life
been all over it -its been all over me--------------u2?
bill

The Tragically Romantic One

2006-03-29T18:53:00.000-08:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

"i think i knew it was her from the start. i was talking with my new boss, i just started the job that day, when she walked by. her hair was up except for those few little strands that hung down. maybe her smile, the way she tilted her head or just how her eyes met mine. i could feel my heart. i think the blood swelled up my eardrums because i wasnt listening to a word my boss said. all i was trying to do was figure out what the attraction was. she wasnt a 6' blonde with huge breasts that one might gawk at. she was her. not trying to prove anything -- safe with who she was. as the weeks went by i admired her -- still trying to figure out what the attraction is.... i tried so many times to get close to her. start some sort of conversation, but as i drew close my nerves took over. though considered by most to be attractive -- i did not feel that way around her. all i really wanted was to know about her..... like what makes her happy? even sad? what her favorite ice-cream flavor was or just if she likes sushi. has she ever had thai food? if she were to travel where would she love to go? i wanted to know if she combs her hair before she lays to sleep or takes baths to calm herself? wanted to know what her laughs were like... what her cries were like.... does she remember to place the napkin on her lap or does seeing someone else do it remind her of it? can she just jump into a pair of sweats and run out or does she have to be prep-ed every time.......

i guess i wanted to know about her....

jonathan "

5 Days a Week

2006-03-22T23:22:00.000-08:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

Day 1:
yeah...i don't have a pic up. had to take it down...too many undesirables trying to harrass me. but i'm good looking...don't worry bout that. i'll send you a picture. but more importantly, i rule this town. born and raised right here in maaaaaaanhattan. and i want to show you the nooks and crannies of this place. welcome to the big apple babe...you made the right choice. read my bio and let's hang a bit. samuel

Day 2:
haven't heard from you yet. trust me i'm hot! funny too. let's have a drink no big whoop what's your email, i'll send you a pic. later for you- samuel

Day 3:
i have floor seats for cream monday night...you in? call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx. stop wasting time with the others!

Day 4:
...just got back from the cream concert and you missed an amazing time. the energy in madison square garden was ridiculous. well, at least i tried. i see you are picking up my messages and i suppose i will have to keep trying you until you either ask me for a photo or tell me to buzz off! what is it that you are looking for? if you are so adventurous, then why don't you take just the slightest bit of risk and respond to me. even if we are just friends, i have a huge network of good people i can hook you into. i was born and raised here and want to reach out to you. anyway, back to in living color re-runs...live that show. ciao bella -samuel

Day 5:
Subject: you crazy woman
Message: shame onyou"

What More Funny Is

2006-03-16T06:56:00.000-08:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader, who says:
"here's one i just received. i'm not sure what is more
funny (or, what more funny is): the cute grammatical
inversions, or the fact there this is somehow a
compliment hidden inside the insult."

The email:

"Hi, I looked at these advertisements on Internet by
all and thought : look once to all these bad,
desperate, solitary women...' and I saw then your
profile and thought 'Hey, here a bad, desperate,
solitary woman who in fact NICE is...' I thought I
once must write and will see if you are such
interesting as you seem in your profile. Here my
address is:...

cheers,
evan"

Does Persistence Pay Off?

2006-03-13T22:30:00.000-08:00

A set of two emails, which an "I Liked Your Profile" reader claims were sent within a few hours of each other:

Email #1

"Would Marcel Proust's "Rememberance of Things Past" have been the same if he would have met you? Probably not. Would his life have been more interesting, Id probably have to say yes.

Rebecca, finding you here this sunny Sunday morning, definitely bodes well for how this day will go for me. I really enjoyed what you had to say. I very much appreciate your independence, pragmatism, quest for the non-mundane and affinity for Eastern European cuisine.

Definitely a man willing to make the big jump with an equally fearless partner. It would make my day to hear from you.

Best,

Vadim"

Email #2

"Hello Again,

Im a firm believer in persistence. So I throw caution to the wind and send another note your way.

I saw that you read my email but I wasnt sure how it might have come across. Its very hard to tell whether the person writing is full of themselves, sarcastic, tongue in cheek, trying to be funny, etc. Theyre not in front of us, so we cant tell what their facial expressions are, the tone, are they smiling, and so on.

I dont know if I came off a bit over the top, full of myself or something to that effect. Im not, Im a genuinely nice guy who's lived a life. Im fun, romantic, world aware, strong desire to learn, and to be with someone who wants life to be a grand adventure and knows that life is challenging, but we dont have to constantly remind ourselves of that. To me, it seemed that on initial pass, you fit that bill.

Finding you here, well, it was very exciting for me. Thats why I wrote then, thats why I write now. Im not much for drama and certainly not very melodramatic myself. So if I dont hear from you, Im quite certain life will go on, the water in my sink will still drain in a clockwise manner, the sun will rise and set where it does, and we'll still be driving on the left side of the road. But who knows, it could be more fun if I did hear from you. Isnt it worth finding out?

Victor"

I Beseech You

2006-03-06T16:53:00.000-08:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader, who claims this email was written by a guy trying to reconnect with her. Although not exactly an online dating email, it comes close enough for a post:

"subject: re: contact

do forgive my most thoughtless inattention. my life has slipped into an excruciatingly ill-timed state of radical mediocrity, and i have been far too distracted by nothing in particular to give thought, much less effort, to anything of import. to my greatest dismay, your invitation comes at a time when my next three evenings have been spoken for, but i do beseech: think you not that your gracious calls fall upon deaf ears nor meet with unsympathetic sentiment. too many the hours that have slipped past already, and too few remain to allow them similar fate. my proposal is eventide saturday, at the hour of your choosing, though my tardy reply commands me beg you not inconvenience prior arrangement or custom for the sake of that easily reappointed.

i do most humbly and eagerly await your reply"

Too Mucah Chest Hair

2006-03-02T10:20:00.000-08:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

"Subject: Huge ego, too mucah chest hair and a mysogynist

Message: I dunno why I wrote that subject line other than it making me giggle.

You seem really great so I went snooping on your profile to find something to write about. There was plenty to talk about, but what struck me came from those fill in boxes. Under cuisine interests I read "cat, dog". I read it like 5 times. It took a while for me to get it right.

Well if you're into Hawaiian Jews who are into scrabble but not reading accurately, email me!

What are your fav three ice cream flavors and board games--I promise I won't misread you answer.

Jeff"

Kitten Smitten

2006-02-27T13:35:00.000-08:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

"Hi!

I liked your profile. (hmm, great name for a blog, eh?)

I liked that you like meaningful conversation, I am
looking to meet someone like this. I like movies and Sushi.

I just moved to NYC.

I am also very communicative and like to tell jokes!

My Screen Name is XXX

If you like I can E-mail a photograph.

I am looking forward to hearing from you. Please
acknowedge this E-mail.

I thought you would like the joke below joke -tell me
what you think

SEE BELOW-----

"On her front porch, an old lady was sitting with
her cat. Suddenly, a fairy godmother appeared and
told her that, because of the good life she had
led,she had been granted three wishes.....

"In that case," said the old lady, "I want to be
a young princess."

Immediately, POOF!, she is a beautiful young woman.

And your second wish?" said the fairy
godmother.

The young woman thought for a moment and said,
"I should like to be very rich."
Immediately, POOF!, the rocking chair became
solid gold.

"What is your third wish?"
asked the fairy godmother.

The old lady turns to her cat and states

"Can you turn him into a handsome prince, who is
madly in love with me?"

POOF! and there stands a magnificent example of manhood, dressed in finery. The young Woman is shaken with passion. With a smile,the Prince crosses the porch,takes her into his arms and wispers into her ear,"I Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"

Good Luck

2006-02-23T12:00:00.000-08:00

The morning after a first date with an online dater, I received this:

"On the way home last night, in addition to thinking you had an awesome smile and a great ass (you do), I realized that you made me think. Awesome quality. Thanks for challenging me and calling me on my bullshit. Of course, now I am thinking about your ass and really need to be concentrating...... Shit.

-RT

P.S. I also noted that it was the first time anyone ever ended a date with me by saying "good luck." :)."

Mr. Thorough

2006-02-21T20:08:00.000-08:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

"Hi, I read your post and was quite interested in what you had to say. I figure that I should tell you a bit about myself and we can see what happens from there.

-I am white

-I am of Italian decent and although I am not some geep off the boat, I am proud of my heritage, as you should be proud of yours also.

-I am 6 foot 2 inches tall

-I weigh 210 lbs., with an athletic build.

-I am employed and happy with what I do and feel that if you don't enjoy your job you should be looking hard for a new one

-I have short brown hair with some gray coming in

-I have a strong sense of morals and values, sometimes a bit old fashioned.

-I am not as romantic as most women would like. I am a man, and although I don't play the macho role, I am sorry but I am not one to buy flowers for no occassion, or to sneek kisses in public, or need to be held.

-I am always a gentleman.

-I have excellent table manners

-I try to be as down to earth as humanly possible.

-I find it extremely sexy for people to be passionate about something. It can be for a cause, or an opinion, or anything else, as long as they feel strong about something.

-I like to be alone sometimes and I respect your wanting to be alone sometimes too.

-I love confidence, but hate conceit, to which there is a fine line.

-I have only dated italian or spanish women. I don't know why this is but it has just worked out that way, I am not racist.

-I hate smoking.

-I hate drugs.

-I do enjoy a drink or two.

-I like to go out to eat, but I also enjoy staying at home and cooking something special.

-Love Italian, Chinese, Sushi, Seafood, and will try anything new.

-Hate Mexican, and Indian food or the accompanying smell that goes with it.

-I enjoy cocktails and conversation at intimate lounges. My club days are over, and although I have fond memories of them, it is in my past

-I am not crazy about new rap, pop, or country music.

-I love all other types of music.

-Going to see live music, at a dive bar or at the Garden or anywhere in between its all great.

-Women, not Girls.

-I love my friends, and they mean alot to me.

-The same goes for my family.

-I love sports, playing or watching.

-I like it when a woman can be funny, not cutesy, which is sickening.

-I like women to act like ladies. I dont like tough guy attitudes on a woman.

-I can be very sarcastic, and I have a dry sense of humor.

-I am brutally honest, so if you ask my opinion, you will get it. I don't sugarcoat my feelings and unfortunately I have hurt a few feelings unintentionally.

-I value a good sense of humor and sense of light heartedness.

-I dont want to shop with you, go with your girlfriends

-I hate when people don't have an opinion on anything. It is a lack of intelligence not to be opinionated.

-I can hold a conversation.

-I use proper grammar unless i am fooling around.

-I do have a NY accent.

-I have a Bachelors degree.

-I can be impatient at times, especially dealing with idiots, but I am working on it.

-I am a Democrat.

-I am Catholic, but I dont attend mass except for Christmas and Easter.

-I almost always try to do the right thing.

-I have had several serious long term relationships and have remained friends with most of them.

-I dont get jealous and I dont deal with people that are.

-I am a poor speller.

-I only remember important things that truly matter.

-I love to travel. I have been all over the Carribean, but now am going to focus on either Europe or out west like the Rockies.

-I love animals, and nature

OK, I realize that I can go on for hours or for pages so I had better stop before you get sick and stop reading this post. Anyway, If any of this sounds appealling to you, write me back. If there is anything else you might want to know about me, just ask.

Hope to hear from you soon.
Thomas"

So here's my question: Which do you prefer? The descriptive, long-winded emails, or the short and sweet?

KNOE More About Me

2006-02-20T10:00:00.000-08:00

One of my very own emails that I received a few weeks ago:

"Hey, let me take the opportunity to introduce myself im matthew. I am a high school teacher here in quuens where i teach european history and sociology. On the side i do two things coach track & field and do freelance accounting ( not the funnest jobs) I could go on and on about how great a guy i am and how perfect you would be for me but in all honesty theres just so much you can learn abotu a person in a two paragraph letter. What i can tell you is that i am a caring individual that has done the bar scene and has finnally realized its not for me. Dont get me wrong i love going to the bars with my freinds but to meet a girl and get to know her well enough to pursue it mor ethan that evening probrably not. Im looking for someone that is fun in my own quircky way such as watching tv shows on a quest for finding the next great show or walking down central park and appreciate it before it gets to cold and you dont have the brown leaves ruffling around.

If you would like to knoe more about me by all means please email me back.

PS I will one day be the world series of poker champion :)"

Man Slave

2006-02-16T06:48:00.000-08:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

"Hi. I was just wondering if you are interested in having a sexual servant. Yeah I know it sounds weird but I can't help the fact that I am a total male nympho =X beside that fact I am also a nice, caring, understanding, straight forward, altrustic kind of man. I cook (very well, I clean (very well), I'm also very understanding and 100% patient (meaning I'll listen to every word you say). well anyhow please excuse my keyboarding skillz and all my messed up grammar and spelling I hope you to hear from you soon and if i don't hear from you than i'd like to wish you the best of luck in everything that you do!- Rory"

Leaf Love

2006-02-13T07:25:00.000-08:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

"Towards the Question
Part 1

Adapted from something I read many years ago, I want to tell you a story towards the question.

He first noticed her across the branches of leaflets. She glowed in the fresh morning sunlight. Sparkling more than the glistening feathers of a bird in flight. Flashing in diamond like brilliance, she sparkled with the dew in radiant diamond splendor. Even among the few, she excelled. Yet, in herself she was not any different from the other leaflets. You could bet and lose, for to him, he knew in his heart, not by the mythological dart of cupid, but by One so much higher, there could be no other. Just to think of cupid is so stupid.

Helped by the breeze, he gave her a hesitant wave as only masculine leaves can do. She became so coy. Naturally to his heart's joy, now feeling much more than a boy. She blushed a deeper green, being human she'd be all pink. Isn't that what you'd think?

Could she have the same regard for him? Or must he be on his guard?

Now for the sake of brevity, I can't go on. Not in this letter to you. But if you're just slightly intrigued and not fatigued by my verbosity (which would be such a pity), just for you I could continue.., hoping you could be..

Aahh, but that would be giving the game away, which would be such a shame. Might tame your heart a touch too soon, your feelings rising too quick, to give me the blunt end of a stick. I'd sure feel a great buffoon. So one step at a time, our hearts might just come in line. First, with a little thirst, you'd have to request Part Two, and who knows, we might even go for a walk in the zoo."

When Monogamy Becomes Monotony

2006-02-08T07:00:00.000-08:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

"I am a married but, secretely looking for fun."

Yesterday I found a dating columnist, Matt Katz, who shed light on the Ashley Madison Agency. This agency claims to add spark to your life when "When Monogamy Becomes Monotony." If and when you receive emails such as the one above, refer your suitor there.

S & M in NYC

2006-02-06T09:31:00.000-08:00

Sumitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader, who recently moved to NYC:

Hi- I'm the guy to show you the ropes but I hope you're not into the tying up the guy and using whips thing. -Justin

For online daters who crave a more edgy crowd, check out Nerve.

The Poet

2006-02-01T20:47:00.000-08:00

One of my very own online dating emails that I received a short while ago:

"he smiles at her, and nods hello.
she asks him for the time.
he makes a joke, something about how he's been
waiting a lifetime.

the woman tells the man she is tired. the day has
been long. the sun is about to set.
they feel like a couple waiting for a train that hasn't
came-in ,in maybe years.
and they have been waiting at opposite sides of
the platform."

Say what?

El Chicano Loco

2006-01-30T11:20:00.000-08:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

"Whats good chicana. I see you got cha game going on and you know whats frio in the mix scene. I'd say you caught my attention and i like your whole method to you. just thought I’d send you alittle shout out. keep it likewise.-Chicano."

Mr. *69

2006-01-26T20:43:00.000-08:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" Reader:

"I have noticed that we have alot alike. I would love to get 2 know you more. I like to talk better than type however I understand if you dont feel comfortable calling but if so please feel free you can block your number if you want with * 69 or * 67 one of those will block it. any who hope you like what I had to say and I look forward to hearing back from you. well have a great night.

bye,
Collin"

Collin sounds like an extra sensitive guy who would appreciate MyPrivateLine.

The Laughing Ass

2006-01-24T14:04:00.000-08:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

"Amazingly I too find humor the greatest asset. Unfortunately, ever since that day when I laughed my ass off, I've stopped being humorous. And let me tell you, it is a horrible, horrible stigmatism to walk around with no ass. Pants don't fit right; and now my brain is totally exposed---since that's where it was once hidden . . . oh if only I had my ass before I wrote this email . . . sigh . . . maybe some booze would do the trick . . . sigh . . . dug what you wrote; drop me a line."

-Evan

African Mail-Order Grooms Strike Yet Again!

2006-01-22T17:37:00.000-08:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" regular:

"Hello Sexy,

Hello am Bob by name...am a 32 Years old Black man From Nigeria...am from the Family of 2 Children am the First son and i have a Junior sister...i have a son ...i work for a Plastic company here in Nigeria...am Single and looking for true Love...am a Humble Loyal Sincere Trustworthy Honest Caring Hard working Good sence of Humor and Gentle man that wants better and good life for people around Him..well the Reason why am here is to Search for the woman of my Life a friend introduces me to this to check it out if i can get what am looking for, am new to this internet stuff and i think i will be able to meet those serious woman who were ready for relationship not just here to fool people and do nasty things here...The foundation of any love story is trust....The foundation of any love story is trust.....Love is not always convenient, but if it is true love, it will outlast any strain, overcome any obstacle, and grow consistently and exponentially for all eternity....You bring such happiness to my life and fulfill that love I have looked and searched for.....I am thinking of you, In my sleepless solitude tonight. If it's wrong to love you, then my heart just won't let me be right. 'Cause I'm drowned in you, And I won't pull through, without you by my side......Remember that the truest love, is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.....No matter how hard things seem, true love will aide you through it.

You can talk to me on yahoo messenger my screen name is xxx@yahoo.com am on now"

Maybe we can make these emails a trend on ILYP. If you have any mail-order emails, send them over. Perhaps we can have a contest for the "Best of Mail-Order Emails". While these emails are quite funny, and sometimes may be genuine, check out this.

Subject: I Saw Your Structure

2006-01-20T08:26:00.000-08:00

Although I don't fault Irina for her translation efforts, she definitely made the I Liked Your Profile cut. Submitted by a male "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

"Hello!!!!
I want will get acquainted with male.
I saw your structure and you have very much interested me.
I very much would like to find out about you more.
It would be very pleasant for me if you will write on mine email:
xxx@mail.ru
I shall look forward to hearing from you.-Irina."

Over the Hill

2006-01-18T10:31:00.000-08:00

"Am I too old for you? Yes, I am getting senile, blind in one eye, and suffering from penile dysfunction, but besides that, I'm a lot of fun!"
- Henry

The Dutch Do It Better

2006-01-06T19:49:00.000-08:00

A reader recently submitted this email she received from a Dutchman seeking love and housing during the NYC Marathon:

"I am happy that you wrote that you like to travel. I too like to travel, and meet new people. I also like meeting new women from around the globe.

But second of all I send you primarily this email as I want to stay with you from the 2nd untill the 8th of November. As I need a place to stay in order to run the Marathon, soak my toes, and even more important to show my new painting "I Will Win".

Please read on if you want to know more."

With a many kisses,
Dutch Derik

Can You Spare a Quarter?

2006-01-03T09:46:00.000-08:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader, who wrote "Is this guy the best scam artist of all time, or the worst?:

"hey ur a cutie, i know this is gonna sound bad, but here i go, i just flew into jfk on monday and have been staying at a hotel in times square since then, but the thing is i got robbed in time square tonight, and the cops wont do anything about it, so pretty much im stranded in a city where i know no one and im stuck in a hotel lobby on my laptop praying to god that some one can help me out, pls. do not get all wierded out by this message, if you can help or know of some one that can pls. let me know thank u soo much cutie, hope to talk to you soon, Richard"

Um, the worst.

The Savvy Businessman

2006-01-01T08:43:00.000-08:00

Submitted by a male "I Liked Your Profile" reader, who received this in his online dating inbox:

"How u doing. Am a self employed business Man .Am looking for a business partner.If u will like to be my business partner .Get back to me and i will tell u wht to do [get down on all fours, maybe]..U can contact me on my yahoo messenger as XXX . I am online now."

Jim

The Day After...

2005-12-30T20:44:00.000-08:00

A third date with an onliner, I received this email:

J: "i had a nice time last night.... i(I also liked kissing your boobies)"
ILYP: "Can I put this in my blog?"
J: "sure...you can put it on a t-shirt for all i care."

It didn't work out.

Another Reason To Try Online Dating

2005-12-28T07:44:00.000-08:00

Submitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader:

"How diesel r u?

See if my profile makes you incontinent"

-joel

The Grammatically Inept English Teacher

2005-12-26T17:03:00.000-08:00

"Hello> My name is Sam, I a teach English at a public H.S in Brooklyn. I have a strong feeling thaty we may click. If .you feel so E mail me. P.S.s I'm, much better lookin in person. I'm from Staten Is -land and Brooklyn, I'M very Educated and have diverse intersts from Blues to Emiril, BAM. E-Mail me if you'd like. I promise you will aot be dissapointed. Hope to hear from you. Sincerly , Happy holidays. I'm an awesome cook too, and mostly I'm a genuinely a nice, good hearted guy who comes from a good family.We would go together like white on rice.LOL"

I swear I didn't edit (*except his name) a word of this email, including the ">." Should I write him back?

Pumpkin- I need a Momma for my babies

2005-12-23T15:02:00.000-08:00

Submitted recently by an "I Liked Your Profile" reader, who recently joined the ranks of online dating for the first time:

"Pumpkin- I need a Momma for my babies. My future ones- you look like you have spectacular ovaries. I wear boxers and have no cavities or allergies. What's your brand of toothpaste?

Jeffrey"

Ishmael: My Very Own African Mail-Order Groom

2005-12-18T16:38:00.000-08:00

As I began writing tonight's entry, I heard that familiar ding on Jdate that alerts you to someone interested in having an Instant Chat. Annoyed at the disturbance, I was quite surprised at the site of the voluptuous Jamare, from Ghana, captured in the photo here. The following was my conversation with Jamare/Ishmael, my African Mail-Order Bride (sorry, Groom.)

Jamare: Hello
Jamare: How are you doing?
ILikedYourProfile: Fine, Jamare. How are you?
Jamare: am fine
Jamare: My name is Jamare
Jamare: and you?
ILikedYourProfile: Ellen.
Jamare: Nice name
ILikedYourProfile: Thanks
Jamare: am 30 and you?
ILikedYourProfile: 31
Jamare: okay
Jamare: am male from Ghana
Jamare: and you?
ILikedYourProfile: female from New York. my, you
have a very feminine look, Jamare.
Jamare: I dont have jdate id so i use my sister own.
Jamare: My real name is Ishmael.
ILikedYourProfile: Ah ha. I knew it all along.
ILikedYourProfile: So what brings you to jdate and
chatting with American women?
Jamare: Becouse am single and looking for a serious
woman for my life and my sister ask me to come in
jdate.
ILikedYourProfile: Aren't there any serious women in ghana?
Jamare: Am looking for white woman for my life.
ILikedYourProfile: Interesting. That may be a bit
difficult in Ghana.
Jamare: Yes
Jamare: I hope you arenot mad at me.
ILikedYourProfile: and your sister wants to meet a
white man?
Jamare: Yes
ILikedYourProfile: Have you ever been to the United
States, Ishmael?
Jamare: Am now look to come and live there.
Jamare: That is why i am looking for you.
ILikedYourProfile: Really. When are you coming?
Jamare: If you will accept me for you life.
Jamare: Love can make you do things that you never
thought possible.
Jamare: The best thing about loving and being hurt is
that you get to know what true love really is.
Jamare: True love can blind you but at the same time
if you let it, it can also open your eyes.
Jamare: Love, an emotion so strong that you would
give up everything.
ILikedYourProfile: Are you Jewish?
Jamare: No
Jamare: Why do you ask?
ILikedYourProfile: Um, because this is a Jewish
website.
Jamare: Yes, but I like white Jewish American women.
Jamare: Can i give you my numberso that you can tex
or call?
Jamare: To just feel it once, to know that you are part
of something special, and perhaps my bride.

Watch Out Woody Allen

2005-12-13T07:54:00.000-08:00

I went on a date the other night with William. In all seriousness, he mentioned how he could truly relate to Woody Allen. I think he's got a touch of Allen humor. Here's a slew of emails from his Jdate sent box.

To the psychologist:

"Can I book an hour of couch time?"

To the entrepreneur who quit law school and her job on Wall St. to start a cookie company:

"Subject: I did it all for the cookie
Message: Wall Street, law school, now cookies. You're in it for the DOUGH!"

To the "Vice President with Looks":

"I typically only date Presidents but I would be willing to lower the bar and make an exception here."

To the girl who, well ... I can understand why she didn't write back:

"If we went on a date I think I could overcome the fact that you bear an uncanny resemblance to my sister."

To a girl who claims "Make me laugh and I become like silly puddy":

"Would be great to make you laugh so you become like silly puddy. Then we could press you against a newspaper and make an impression of the newsprint."

To the defense attorney:

"If I was a defense attorney, every night when I went to sleep, I'd shout, "The defense rests!"

To a girl who insists "I also want to meet a man who knows what he's doing in bed.":

"You got me thinking, am I a man who knows what he's doing in bed? Well, I know I'm reaching over to carve another notch on the bedpost, and sometimes I'm phoning my mates to tell them I've scored again. I'm kidding. These days it's all about text messaging."

To the graduate from a "top university":

"[...] To maintain your reputation as an MBA from a top university, you should correct the typo with "atrractive" in that last paragraph."

To the girl who loves sharks:

"P.S. -- You dig sharks, eh? I have an ancient fossilized 4" long shark tooth (that's not a pickup line)."

To the speech language pathologist:

"Subject: Aphasia got me in a haze-ia"

To the girl whose biggest turn-off is negativity:

"I'm trying to come up with a way to say, "I'm not negative", but that in itself is a double negative."

To the girl with no picture, and a "small frame" body type:

"Do you have a photo to go with that small frame of yours?"

To the readers, William seems a bit frustrated that none of his emails have received a response (albeit my own.) Can you give him some advice/suggestions/tweaks for his pick-up lines? Please feel free to comment below for William's sake. Oh, and check out his blog Shabot6000--which features animations that are wildly popular around the world.

Sowing Royal Oats

2005-12-11T12:28:00.001-08:00

Sumitted by an "I Liked Your Profile" Reader:

"I have come back home from working these past few nights to look at your face. You might call me shallow, I am a gardener, I get energized by this weather and I become rather intense this time of year, forgive me. I have always found myself attracted to women with dark eyes and long hair and you have been easy on mine.

Besides that, you must have a lot of energy yourself with all of those things you want to do, have done and are going for...I am enjoying your active lifestyle by just reading it...what have you been doing for fun lately what havent you done that you'd like to do in the immediate future but havent?"

By the way, here's a site for Single Gardeners - Legitimate Online Dating for Gardening Enthusiasts . Yes, there is an online dating site for just about any enthusiast out there.

Kisses From Ori

2005-12-08T16:55:00.000-08:00

"Hello, you seems sweet & sexy, and I would love to know you (much!) better or I should say "in & out"... I feel we have chemistry and we are looking for same things. You will not be disapointed, as I heard many times that I am "every women's dream..." would love to hear your voice. I can be reached at xxx-xxx-xxxx or xxx@att.net.- Kisses, Ori"

I only wish I could post Ori's photo. Imagine a 45-year-old Israeli pimp with Ray Ban Motorcyle Glasses.

CyberCheating

2005-12-07T14:08:00.001-08:00

Every once in a while we discover that our loved ones are having secret, unfaithful encounters. How we find out is another topic. This particular woman emailed me when she found out that her CyberLover couldn't break the online habit, and had an insatiable compulsion for cybercheating.

Dean's Girlfriend:

"This is Dean's girlfriend.... just thought you should know before you meet this guy for drinks that I have been living with him for the last 7 months and dating him for the last 9 when I found out that he has been going on Jdate and emailing other women. He told me that it was just for fun and meant nothing, that he still loves me and wants to marry me and have children with me. I don't think I can stay with him, but I thought you should know this as he has been dishonest with me. He lied about being on Jdate and I actually found it on his computer. I am heartbroken but he thinks it is all for fun. Ultimately it is up to you but he hasn't been honest with me or with any of the 30 other women he emails per day. then again we met on jdate too. -good luck"

My reply to him:

"Are you aware of the fact that your girlfriend emailed me from your jdate account?"

Dean's reply:

"Now i know, but we're not together anymore. She just feel bad if that make her feel better it's ok. do u mind?"

Nah. Sure Dean, no problem. What time are we meeting for drinks?

If you have a sneaky suspicion about the person courting you from a dating site, I suggest you check out:

Truedater....

where you can type in the profile username and find out the gossip.

Men Who Live With Their Moms

2005-12-06T18:15:00.000-08:00

First thing--a disclaimer. All emails that I post on this blog will not use the real names of their senders. If you submit an email to me that you would like to have published, I will only change the name (even if you have already) and not the content.

Now, to move on. Thanks to Scott for the big plug. Your following boosted my page counter from 5-85 in minutes. You deserve a ......well, a pat on the back. Scott has a very funny blog. Read his Greatest Hits. He reminds himself of Larry David, and I suggest you check it out here:

The Devil's Playground....

One reader sent a couple of emails from suitors on her Match.com account. I post them here:

Email #1 (which was emailed to her repeatedly):

"hi, i saw your profile and thought i would throw myself at you along with all the other guys out there..i am 37 years old, i live downtown nyc, people say i am very good looking ( trying to say that without sounding like an ass) ha..this may scare you off, but i am very open minded and can be bi sexual...... if you are interested. let me know and i can send a pic. -j"

Email #2:

"Wow, you're a real person. Great. I guess we have a couple of options here. We could start an email relationship, fall madly in love, and maybe even get a priest to marry us in a live chat ceremony... Then again, maybe we could get together for a cup of tea and some stimulating conversation and make friends. And then after I can validate that you're actually the cute gal in this picture I saw of you, we can talk about the online marriage thing. Give me a call tonight. My number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. I'm a pretty busy person, and I can't guarantee that I'll be home, but give a try. And please call before 11 PM because that's when my mom makes me go to sleep. By the way, where can I reach you if I want to call you ten times a day?"

Talk soon.
Neil

Anyone have suggestions for a response to Email #1???

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Do You Do It?

2005-12-04T20:21:00.000-08:00

DO YOU DO IT?

How often? Once or twice a week? Every day? All day?

Chances are, you may be one of the 20 million Americans doing it. Doing it meaning checking your email inbox on any one of the online dating websites. If your answer is yes, then you've most likely received a variety of emails during your tenure on the market. In some cases, you may even open your dating inbox to some of the funniest, most kitsch or outlandish pick-up lines you've ever heard.

Thanks to Alec and his email that arrived in my inbox this summer, I was inspired to create "I Liked Your Profile."

who: Alec
site: Jdate

“Hey, this is Charle's friend Alec. Not a Jdate member. He told me to check out your profile. So what's up? Let me get to the point. You seem very cool. Obviously hot. Very sexy (hope you can take compliments well.) Born and raised in Manhattan. Volunteered for the Israeli army (paratroopers). Finance guy. Not religious. Spiritual/Zionist. Handsome, bald sexy guy. Jewish Vin Diesal. Athletic. Love working out, running etc. More importantly very passionate! Sexuality running through my veins. I love touch. That includes cuddling too! I've been out east on the weekends this summer. Amagansett. Flip flops, bbq/clambakes. Sunset beach is awesome. Would love to get drinks or have you join me in my sleeping bag for a sleepover on the beach. Let me know which one you're more comfortable with... see u soon...xoxo- Alec"

I Liked Your Profile is the place for you to share the fun and laughs. C'mon. Just do it. I want to peek at your inbox--post your suitors' emails right here, and share the laughter.

Feel free to banter, debate, or maybe even meet a mate. Ciao.

Legality & Privacy Notice

2005-12-04T14:01:00.000-08:00

By submitting information to I Liked Your Profile, you grant I Liked Your Profile a perpetual, royalty-free license to use, reproduce, modify, publish, distribute, and otherwise exercise all copyright and publicity rights with respect to that information at its sole discretion, including storing it on I Liked Your Profile servers and incorporating it in other works in any media now known or later developed including without limitation published books.

If you do not wish to grant I Liked Your Profile these rights, it is suggested that you do not submit information to this website. I Liked Your Profile reserves the right to select, edit and arrange submissions, and to remove information from the I Liked Your Profile website at any time at its sole discretion.

All emails submitted by readers and posted on I Liked Your Profile will not use the real names of their senders. If you submit an email to I Liked Your Profile that you would like to have published, I Liked Your Profile will only change the name (even if you have already) and not the content.